chaotic

i'm all alone in my home, mom together with sis and bro are at selangor now...father has gone to work, so i'm all alone which is why i feel that my feelings are rather messed up and chaotic...why? i dont really have a definite answer for that...i've been trying to concentrate, repeating zikr to tranquil my ragging feeling, and it work, but sadly it doesnt last long...sometimes i do feel alone..so much alone...being a big sister is so much work...being hajar is such a burden....sometimes i want to be farah..back to old times..and if i'm being true to myself, there is a tiny bit of me wishing i could be ain...but reality check! i cant....what should i do to distract myself? goguma wont be out until this saturday, yet i need to wait for at least 2 days for it to be subbed, M3 also, its out yet none with eng subbed..so how?